Well, ...look what I did.  LOL.  I'm actually quite proud of this because one of the few freehand layouts that I do.  Interesting what you can come up with when you don't have an idea in your head.

I've changed my favorite artist of the moment.  No new content.  Sorry guys, past couple weeks I was studying for the GRE, so I didn't have time to draw up some stuff.  Maybe tomorrow.  I've added 7 new PSDs. (3 Say Anything, 4 Kelly Clarkson). I've also added 13 new songs to IA Radio:
All Time Low - Coffee Shop Soundtrack
All Time Low - Six Feet Under the Stars
Brett Dennen - Blessed
Brett Dennen - Darlin' Do Not Fear
Brett Dennen - Don't Forget
Brett Dennen - Nothing Lasts Forever
Brett Dennen - She's Mine
Brett Dennen - The One Who Loves You Most
Brett Dennen - There Is So Much More
Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven
Sugarcult - How Does It Feel
The Ataris - Boys of the Summer (Don Henley Cover)
The Lemonheads - Mrs Robinson (Simon & Garfunkle Cover)

Speaking of the GRE, I took it on Thursday.  I got about 40 points below my target score, so I'm not too bummed.  I'll just have to wait and see how I did on the writing when they mail my complete results.  I'm just glad it's over.  I've been so stressed out, I nearly forgot what it was like to relax.  When I got home from taking the exam, I cleaned my room. WTF?  I'm good now.  I may or may not retake it, it just depends on the writing portion.  I'm going to post a Tips for Studying for the GRE page in the visitor section.  I know that when I started studying, I wanted to see what sites have that sort of thing, and they don't, unfortunately.  So those of you who plan to go to grad school, be sure to mosey on over here when the time is right.

The night before my exam was brutal, I had a near panic attack and started busting out crying because my thought process got so overwhelming.  That's the last time I sleep with the TV off.  No wonder I keep it on when I go to bed.  I don't know when to stop thinking and with the TV on, it helps distract me from freaking out. LOL.  Aaah, gosh.  I feel like a ton of weight was lifted off my shoulders.  For the first time in a while, I'm really content despite some minor disappointments.

I've finished reading my GRE book.  I'm quite proud of myself for committing so much time to understand what the GRE is all about.  I feel like I have a better sense of what I'm getting myself into, but I also feel a bit apprehensive about it as well.  I can't help it.  I just don't test well.  Testing someone on their ability can be deceptive seeing as they are based off of the average person who'll take the test.  What if the person is below average or above average beyond testing standards?  Some people can be highly intelligent, but test poorly.  I've learned that today about one of my co-workers.  I know that's how I am.  I don't really consider myself highly intelligent though.  I'm pretty intelligent, but not enough to consider myself superior to others.

Everybody is saying that I'll do fine, but I get this feeling that there's too many people around me who have too much faith in me.  On a normal standpoint, that should be a good thing, but I, for some unknown reason, don't like the idea of people having a lot of faith in me.  It pressures me into doing my absolute best just to prove that they're right.  I have this obsession with not letting people down.  So when people say, "I know you'll do fine" I have to make sure that they aren't wrong on that.

I guess that's how I'm feeling about trying to become a doctor.  I can't back down because I'll make a fool out of my family.  Got their hopes up for nothing.  I want to be a doctor.  It's my dream and my ultimate goal.  But when I realize my limits, I get an epiphany about where my life would be if I deviate from my path. Then I quickly have to bury that epiphany six feet into the ground and pretend as if it never existed because heaven forbid, if I don't become a doctor, I'll shame my family.  It'll just give them another reason to bad mouth me at parties.

I want to be able to reach my goals without having to run them by my family first.  They're obviously not going through it with me.  The only person who's putting in any sort of effort is me.  The only person suffering and stressing is me.  I'm in an island of myself with nobody to physically help me and yet I'm sending up flares for not help... but approval.  At the moment, life makes no sense.  It's frustrating because I can't even figure it out. 

I've been comtemplating a lot about my own future as I approach my final year in college and I must say, I haven't been so scared in my life.  I lived carefree for a few years prior to my college career and prior to deciding on whether or not I should go to college.  I wasn't as stressed.  High school WAS my career and I wasn't completely depressed about my fate every waking day of my life.  Why is growing up such, well, for lack of a better word, ...a drag?  You live to be your own boss, you are the conductor to your own orchestra, and you are ultimately the one responsible for your own fate.  Life seems less spontaneous when you grow old.  In your younger years, you live your life extemporaneously mainly because you haven't the slightest clue on what you're doing.  You're told how to run your own business.  As a child or adolescent, that, again, for lack of a better word, ...sucks.  So our sole purpose in life, well, during those years, was to grow up and move away.  Deviate yourself from the parental laws that control you for you are merely the marionette of a puppetier.  As you get older, life ...sucks... more.  You learn that the concepts, theories and realities you've fabricated for yourself are just falsified ideals and hypotheses you utilized as a comforting agent so that life as a grown up won't appear as awful as your parents or other adults make it out to be.

Don't you ever wish to turn back time to the years of your childhood and stop the clocks to make it last longer?  Or make it so that life wasn't as shitty as you once thought it was?  Or at least convince your young self to make the most out of it rather than dread every day of your life?  I wish I did.  I wish I enjoyed life more as a child so that as an adult I'd have something to look back on.  I feel like I loathed every minute of my life since the day I was able to cultivate the idea that, "life sucks."  Now that my years of college are close to coming to an end, I find it really hard to be happy.  Every day I study for the GRE, every day I look at Graduate Schools to apply to, every day I think about where my life is going after this ...makes everything appear so morose despite the fact that I'm trying to better my life for the future.  I can't see a bright side to this.  I feel as though the more my life progresses the more I feel suffocated in not being able to picture my future in a bright way.  Certainly, I can't live my life one day at a time because I suck at improvising.  Seriously, this is a girl who can't even finish the puzzle that I thought was a good idea and started a few days ago.  I HAVE TO have plans otherwise my life will go nowhere.

What bugs me the most is that slackers are doing better than me.  Seth Rogen (heaven forbid, I love this man to death) is a stoner who makes millions by writing and starring in flicks about being a stoner.  Bryant (my cousin) goes out and parties like there's no tomorrow and is able to do so without the fear of ultimately coming to the idea that he can't do this forever.  He lives his days like their numbered.  There are some kids that don't go to college and live a life of luxury.  Where's the fairness in that?  Where's the comic balance?  Why does this happen and people who actually work to make something of themselves live in misery?  Why should I continue to care?  Why should I even keep going?  Everywhere I go, there are people succeeding.  Regardless of their educational status, they are succeeding, and here I am trying to succeed, but feel like I'm failing miserably.  How does that even work?  I thought life was about consistent function and not about cosmical anomalies.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that... I'm scared shitless and I don't get it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've completed the reconstruction of Infinite Alchemy.  You NOW all have a place to go.   If you catch any mistakes let me know by filling out the contact form in the "site" section.  Also, if you have any suggestions as to what I should put in for you visitors, please give me a holler... while I still have all this damn free time on my hands.

Expect a layout change.  PEACE!

So, I've gotten my section, the internet section, and half of the site section completed as far as reconstruction is concerned.  There may be a slight delay as I'm needing to study for the GRE.  Wish me luck on that.  The thought of me taking something and not doing well is killing me and causing me to not sleep.  Hence, the seemingly obsessive need to get the sites done.

Not that it's not a priority, it's on my list of things to do.  Truthfully, I have more important things to handle  It's kind of scary knowing that this will be my final year in college and this year determines my fate career wise.  I just hope everything falls into place and I could finally breathe properly again.

Until next time, kids.

Oh and be sure to check out IA Radio. I've added about 20+ new songs!